The Return 💍

Shame is a silent killer of our souls, but the Father’s love rescues us out of its entrapment. This month we are continuing our guest blogger series with my beautiful friend Naghmeh Panahi. In January she shared with us about a ring she received as a gift. This month we are continuing the story and how this silent killer tried to steal her identity, purpose, and self-worth through that gift. But our true Gift Giver showed her that He will never take back His perfect gifts to us.

James 1:17
“Every good thing given, and every perfect gift is from above; it comes down from the Father of lights [the Creator and Sustainer of the heavens], in whom there is no variation [no rising or setting] or shadow cast by His turning [for He is perfect and never changes]”.

💝 ~ Marie

“Now you are coming to Him as to a living stone. Even though this stone was rejected by humans, from God’s perspective it is chosen and valuable.” 1 Peter 2:4

“I want my ring back,” came the text one morning.

Although this was something that I had expected, still my heart hurt and was overwhelmed by feelings of rejection and shame. I held onto this shame for years. In my book “I Didn’t Survive,” I had shared about how God had used a diamond ring gifted to me by a stranger to set me free from abuse. But I was too ashamed to mention that soon after it was gifted, I was asked to return it. Maybe admitting that publicly meant what I had been told all along in my abusive marriage was true, that I did not matter, and any attention given to me was because of my imprisoned “hero” Christian husband.

“They are clapping for me not for you,” said my husband one morning on a phone call from the Iranian prison. And he seemed to be right. As soon as the news of my abuse came out, rocks started being thrown at me. Once hailed as a hero Christian wife, I was quickly shunned as the news of my abuse came out. The Christian community could not believe — would not believe, that their hero who had been in prison in Iran for his faith could be an abuser.

The last blow came through the text message asking for the ring back.

The voice of my abuser calling me worthless and claiming that my worth was wrapped up in me being married to him seemed to ring true. Those who had showered our family with gifts while my husband was imprisoned in Iran were now accusing me of lying. Those who did not accuse, seemed too ashamed to associate with me. All the speaking engagements were cancelled. All my “celebrity” Christian pastor friends and musicians no longer wanted to associate with me. I was abandoned, bleeding by the side of the road as religious leaders passed by not wanting to touch me.

I felt so ashamed.

Their accusations and what they thought of me were defining me. I felt overwhelmed. It was not until recently when I wrote The Ring for January’s Blog, that I realized the deep shame I still was carrying. I was still ashamed to reveal that it was taken back. Somehow my worth still seemed wrapped up in this gift that had been later taken back.

Then came the still small voice reminding me that it was not about the ring at all but what it symbolized. The ring was pointing to a crown. The ring reminded me that I was a daughter of the King, and that revelation is what broke the chain of abuse. Years after the ring was taken back, God used it to bring to surface a deep pain that still needed to be healed. The Holy Spirit was highlighting the ring again, but this time to heal the shame that I had carried all these years. When the woman asked for it back doubt was sown in my heart. All the accusing voices that had haunted me questioning my motives for advocating for Saeed had come rushing back.

I felt so ashamed.

I questioned myself for advocating so tirelessly for my then husband. Why were my eyes not opened to the abuse earlier? Why had the story gotten so big? So many felt duped by me, and I understood why. I could understand their anger and accusations. I could understand why so many, much like the woman who had wanted her ring back, were feeling duped that they had advocated for an abuser.

Yet over the years as I have learned about abuse, I have come to understand that women coming out of abuse are often accused of lying. So many have been groomed to hide their abuser’s bad behavior that when the abuse finally does come out, the women are not believed. The more I have learned about abuse, the more I have understood my own journey and learning to show myself grace for the blind spots and the mistakes.

Healing has been coming in layers.

God has been slowly revealing to me layer by layer where I need inner healing in the deepest parts of my soul. When I was asked to write this story, I did not realize how God would use that to reveal the deep pain and shame that I had still been carrying. My Heavenly Father was reminding me, yet again, that I was a daughter of the King with or without a ring.

The woman who gave back the ring didn’t survive.

What arose is a woman who processed all the pain and trauma of abuse and rejection in the cocoon of God’s Presence, only to emerge a new creature set free to be who her Creator had called her to be. Knowing her worth and value do not lie in her marital status, opinion of others — or a ring.

Knowing that she is deeply loved and valued by her Maker is all that matters!

Jeremiah 31:3
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore, I have drawn you with loving kindness.”

1 John 3
“See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God.”